The Confidence of Doing

A friend of mine once wisely pointed out that we are human beings, not human doings; that whatever we do should come out of who we are, and not the other way around.  This is good philosophy.

I'm not so good at it, though.

This life is filled with displays of achievement.  People don't get recognized just 'cause the "are."  You have to do something, something meaningful.  Even taking the public recognition out - after all, our motivation should be intrinsic, right? - I find it hard to pat myself on the back just 'cause I'm me.  After all, there are still things that gotta get done.  When I've gotten my stuff done, I feel better about me.  When I don't, I feel worse.

Source of it aside - doing out of being or visa versa - I've found a certain confidence comes out of getting done what I know has to be done.  It tends to boost me a bit, and I find I can then get more stuff done, and even have some energy left over to do some fun things.  Shoot, I can sometimes even find enjoyment in the gotta-do stuff.

I've found the opposite is also true, though.  When I put off the gotta-do stuff for whatever reason, it tends to knock me down a bit emotionally.  I tend to beat myself up: "You idiot, why didn't you get that done?"  That saps me of a bit of my emotional moxie, and that leads to me not doing the next gotta-do, which then leads me to another session of self-flagellation, and so on.  I end up feeling like a puddle of moldy pond scum.  It's a vicious cycle.

Now, knowing this, I've got to wonder why I ever choose to not do the gotta do stuff.  Truth be told, though, I do it far too often.

Take, for instance, the last few weeks.  Sarah and I are currently in the process of purchasing and building a new house, our first ever - lots of gotta-dos.  In the meantime we're living in my father-in-law's basement, which leads to more gotta-dos.  We also amended last year's taxes - more gotta-dos.  I've also got a long list of phone calls to make, people to contact, that I've been chipping away at since May, and while awaiting to hear the results of one of those I... paused.  If the results are positive, after all, I don't have to make any more calls.  Don't really enjoy making them anyway.  Well, with that inactivity, I found it fairly easy to put off getting some of the signatures done for the mortgage paperwork (there's no hurry, after all), and to not send in the second bit of the taxes (too many extra documents to find again and send with it)... and suddenly I found myself sinking in to the Swamps of Sadness.  I knew what had to be done, I just couldn't find the chutzpah to do it.  I see the papers sitting next to my bed every night, and I think, "Gosh darnit, Goff, you didn't do that again!  What sort of moron are you???"  Pretty soon, I wasn't even helping around the house, emotionally unavailable to my wife, and in a pretty dark place.  I wasn't even playing my trombone regularly.  I mean... what's the point?  <le sigh>  The best I could do to waste away the time was solitaire on Sarah's iPhone.

Last night, long story short, I snapped out of it.  Can't say specifically why.  A wise man once said that people will only change when they hurt enough that they have to.  Well, today, I made some phone calls.  Then I came home and made dinner for all three of us, and now I'm blogging for the first time in two months (one more thing that got pushed aside).  Later, I plan on practicing trombone, taking care of a bill, digging out the tax papers, and signing a bunch of mortgage documents.  And you know what?

I FEEL GREAT!

Interestingly enough, nothing has really changed in the situation.  All of the things in my life that are a struggle right now - a longer commute, finances, still not running while I let my calf heal, etc., etc., ad nauseum - they're still there.  I still worry about them more than I should and I'm not happy about what we're currently going through.  It's just somehow easier to face now.

So, a quick piece of advice: if you find yourself down in the dumps and beating yourself up for not doing this or that, get yourself out there and do a little bit of something.  You won't feel like it.  You won't think you've got the strength to do it, much less do it right.  Do it anyway.  Just a little bit.  You'll feel better for it, confidence will grow, and you start to come out of the pit you found yourself in.